As your #1 source of information, I, drs. nl3paul3nl, meet a lot of Duke Online personalities. For this installment I am interviewing Sgt. Pepper. Author of many great novels starring Fran; ‘Camping is not the way to go’, ‘Best player in the world’ and the erotic ‘Hot Coffee’ to name a few. Continuing on the erotic tour, Sgt. Pepper wanted to make his own erotic success, since ’50 Shades of Grey’ is such a hit. After laying eyes upon the messiahs of Duke Nukem 3D, the inventor of FPS games, Pepper found all the inspiration he was looking for.
So Pepper, tell us about your new book.
‘Well, it’s called ‘Fran meets Hans – A Lover’s Story’, so as you might notice, it is an erotic novel. Ever since Hans joined the Duke Nukem 3D online group, he has done nothing but failing to impress all of us of his superiority as a human being. So he has become the laugh of town. Claiming to be the best in the world, you’re simply asking for it. This is when I realized he has a mirror image already walking around this earth, Fran.
‘Fran also enjoys screaming from the rooftops that he is the best player ever and that none shall defy him! Yet time and time again he gets proven otherwise. So far, Hans has had a 100% loss ratio on Dukematcher, which is when I started fantasizing these 2 titans clashing together. And the only emotion that could possibly be involved here, is love.
‘In my new book, the two will meet each other and begin what can only be described as an impossible love. Two opposing worlds, yet so many similarities. They have the wildest fantasies; I will now be reading one paragraph from Chapter 4, ‘the night of the first date’, written in Fran’s perspective as always:
‘Who is this mysterious man? He very good player, always hiding and camping. I wonder what this sexy beast has underneath his lederhosen. He throws me onto his bed, oh my. He starts untying his shoe laces, but I can no longer hold myself. I am breaking a sweat every time I look into his eyes. The inventor of FPS games just threw me onto his bed and is untying my shoe laces! ‘Stop it’, I scream! ‘Stop it now, leave my laces, go straight for my shotty’. He looks down upon me with anger in his eyes. ‘Shotguns are for players without skill! Players who do not camp! You will pay dearly for this!’ He winks at me and starts pulling me towards his basement, where all sorts Kama sutra tools are lying around. ‘This is where I make my maps’, he says, as he starts tying me behind a secret wall. Oh my…’
Tell us, Pepper, how are your personal experiences with Hans?
‘I played him once and he got his ass kicked pretty hard, not at all what you’d expect from the self-claimed king of games. He blames having to use a keyboard and keeps shouting in anger that EDuke32 is better, even though it has no multiplayer support. Honestly, none of his saying are fact-based. Which is why I wanted him to star in my book.’
Pepper’s experience with Hans. Hans is clearly not the caliber he claims to be.
Thanks for the chat, Pepper. See you online on Dukematcher!
‘See you there!’
‘Fran meets Hans – A Lovers Story’ by Sgt. Pepper will be available during fall 2013 in a bookstore nearby. Reserve your copy now before it’s sold out by calling 0800-HANSFRAN.